You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
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Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes