Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

Grandmother clock.

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…

…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.

Parenting is fun lol

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.