You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
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marvel comics have peaked
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
good morning
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
hear me out : pockets for your socks
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.