You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
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Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Selfie
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
We are never ever ever getting back together 🎶
Tupperware lids
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.