You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
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I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
the chicken was already gone when I got here
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I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards