You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
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Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I saw this ending much differently.
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.