Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear

THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?

ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.

People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.