Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.

microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

“Are you ready to rock?”

Scissors: no

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.