You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
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[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th