You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
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Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
new dr. seuss book dropping:
🤣✨#caturday
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Did my cat write this
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.