You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
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[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.