You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
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Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?