You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
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Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”