You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
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I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.