Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

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I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

My safe word is now just a dry cough.

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!

7yo: What’s the radio?

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”

People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.