You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
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Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
<- sleeps well with others
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
ok this is my dumbest yet
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.