You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
You Might Also Like
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please