You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
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I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom