Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

It do be feeling this way.

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

How to meet a girl:

1) Walk into a bar.

2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”

3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

blocked.

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”