Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No…

Librarian: One day that will work.

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.