Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!

My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.