You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
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My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Talk about a bad egg
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I cannot call her anything else now
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?