You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
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Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Short story
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.