Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.