You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
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“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME