You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
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Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.