You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
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A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?