You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
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It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
i want to work in this restaurant
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Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17