“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
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a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Cinematography is my passion
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes