Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄

this year felt like being awake during surgery

Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”