Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

me and my fake scenarios

Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.

Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?