@PajamaBen_

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

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@Freudianscript

I just saved a bunch of money on fireworks by telling my wife to calm down.

@arwenlothbrok

Me socialising: terrible.

Me socialising with alcohol: terrible, but with enthusiasm.

@FU_TangClan

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

@BoogTweets

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

@CYComedy

My goal weight is for my waiter to ask me if I want a salad with my meal without bursting into laughter.

@RobertManchild

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

@batkaren

“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”

HOWLING VOID: [howling]

@InternetHippo

narrator: sparta was a martial society where boys started military training as early as age 7
me (through a mouthful of pasta): HELL YEAH THATS (out of breath now) how things ought to be

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”

PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN

@tsm560

I thought IT was a movie about tech nerds. To me, that’s a lot creepier than a dumb clown with a red balloon.