You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
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me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
my name if I was in the mob
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.