You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I need this for my side hustle.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
No flush
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
