You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Don’t touch that.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?