“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
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Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone