Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore

me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.