You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
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Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.