You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.