You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
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toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I’m giving up ice.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.