You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
You Might Also Like
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.