You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
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Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband