Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Celine Dion: all by myself

CDC: good

CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself

CDC: sorry but them’s the rules

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.