“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
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5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
birds and squirrels envy us
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.