Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday

What

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze

Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.