“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
You Might Also Like
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.