“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
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Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only