@VodkaShorebird

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

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@Scott_A_Gilmore

*Goes to Czechoslovakia to shop for a car with Automatic Braking System

*Czechs for ABS

@jonnysun

EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented

@BuckyIsotope

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

@Megatronic13

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

@sammyrhodes

I don’t speak button, but if I could I’m pretty sure the button on my jeans is saying, “Aaaaah! Help me!” right now.

@robfee

If Lebron’s so much better than Jordan then explain to me why Bugs Bunny has never once asked for his help in a game. Cant argue with facts.

@sickipediabot

My wife suffers from chronic, debilitating headaches.

Anyway, enough about her…

…back to drum practice.

@ClichedOut

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: What kind of cake for your birthday?

Wife: Just something with chocolate

[later, me in the kitchen melting chocolate over a crab cake]