“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

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*Goes to Czechoslovakia to shop for a car with Automatic Braking System

*Czechs for ABS


EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented


Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.


Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that


I don’t speak button, but if I could I’m pretty sure the button on my jeans is saying, “Aaaaah! Help me!” right now.


If Lebron’s so much better than Jordan then explain to me why Bugs Bunny has never once asked for his help in a game. Cant argue with facts.


My wife suffers from chronic, debilitating headaches.

Anyway, enough about her…

…back to drum practice.


ME: do u like smart guys


ME: sorry i wasted your time


Me: What kind of cake for your birthday?

Wife: Just something with chocolate

[later, me in the kitchen melting chocolate over a crab cake]