You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
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My birth announcement for our third baby
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.