Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

I just post them. I don’t explain them.

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

British websites use biscuits.

“This cashier is a dipshit.”

– Me at self checkout

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

broke down and did it

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.