You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
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Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over