You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
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Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Give a baker flours on your first date.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please