You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
You Might Also Like
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Lmao the reply
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
How I like cutting carbs
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this