You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
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I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies