Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

me: you’re brothers?

mario: that’s-a right!

me: which explains why you dress the same

luigi: that’s-a right!

me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?

mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is

Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.