you know what ruined my childhood? children
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ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
#Caturday
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.