you know what ruined my childhood? children
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.