you know what ruined my childhood? children
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I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Bless you
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
time machine? you mean a clock?
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
i choose….tongue