Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

I would guard your potatoes so hard.

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

I love people with self awareness, so yes I hate 98% of you.

Don’t you dare flirt with me.

Yet.

Okay now.

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm

Me: You’re leaving me again?

Her: (packing)

Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?

Her: (walking downstairs)

Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?

Her: (opening door)

Me: Come on, one more chance!

Her: (car starting)

Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.