Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

The first one, obviously

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics

*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face