Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats

MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

Sticker placement is key.

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant