You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
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I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh