Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures

BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?

GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.

BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.

GF: [eyes narrow]

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

“Huh?” – Wonder Woman

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

Watson was Holmes schooled

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.