Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
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*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.