You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
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* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner