You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
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I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Become ungovernable.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back