You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
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Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
🤣dope
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles