Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
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[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
LOOOOOOL
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this