You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
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when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
lmao😭🤣
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly