You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
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Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
This probably isn’t good
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude