Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
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3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
“U put on suntan lotion?”
“Youll get sunburned!”
*sun descends, his voice echoes loudly*
“NICE BICEPS BRO, UR LIL SISTER LOAN EM TO U?”
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: Me neither
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie