@13spencer

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

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@Reverend_Scott

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

@NeighborGrumpy

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

@Fart_Bringer

“U put on suntan lotion?”
“No”
“Youll get sunburned!”
*sun descends, his voice echoes loudly*
“NICE BICEPS BRO, UR LIL SISTER LOAN EM TO U?”

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

@nice_mustard

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

@FU_TangClan

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

@unbub_

a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs

@InternetHippo

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

@MacAnnabella

“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”

TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie