You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

You Might Also Like


I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.


Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?


This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.


It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…


According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean


A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.


If it was the choice between having the last pizza on earth or the last sex on earth, which toppings would you have on your pizza.


Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.


Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona


Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.