@13spencer

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

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@trumpetcake

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

@recursivetaco

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

@SirEviscerate

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

@djdarrellripley

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

@envydatropic

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

@MrFornicator

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

@iTomFoolery

If it was the choice between having the last pizza on earth or the last sex on earth, which toppings would you have on your pizza.

@PetrickSara

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

@ArfMeasures

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

@GianDoh

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.