Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

Beauty and the Beast

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own

Well, this is awkward

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well