You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
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Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
We like the way Dwight thinks
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever