Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

Where’s my employee discount too?

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

Turns on air conditioner

air conditioner: I have a boyfriend