Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”