You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
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Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I’m not into casual sex. Send me a résumé.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
What my back needs
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.